justagirl's ramblings.

quizzes

2008-08-03T01:13:00.001+08:00

THE REAL YOU

You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.
You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.
Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right?
Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

PERSONALITY TEST

Your ideal mate has a sense of humor and is lively.
You always compare yourself with others. You make your wishes too difficult to come true.
Success depends on someone's faith in their ability. That's your attitudes towards success.
You are a person of principle. You respect social rules and regulations.
You are emotional, sincere and optimistic.

the courage to pursue your dream

2008-06-16T20:14:00.001+08:00

there are times when i cast aside my dreams for the greater good.

For a while it felt great doing love for your loved ones and putting their needs before you.

But after a while...something gnaws at your soul bit by bit and you wonder where did the passion go.

and then you have naysayers around you telling you that you can never do it.

Slowly but surely, you start to believe their negative words.

but then again...over the course of time...you gain some courage and then you start to cast aside those negative thoughts and just believe in your inner voice again.

i felt so restless for most of this year...and somehow i found my inner peace again and felt puzzled why have i been ignoring that voice for so long.

is it because of fear?

fear that i would just give up whatever i'm doing now...for my dream?

is it the fear of taking risks...

letting those around me down?

maybe now's the time to live for myself.

happy versus sad thoughts

2008-06-08T11:46:00.002+08:00

how does one express emotions? is it through words, facial expression, touch, non-verbal or verbal communication?

just a walk along memory lane showcases a rather negative track record of mine. haha. rather "emo" language used to depict pain, sadness, being heartbroken, despair, anguish. perhaps i'm more used to writing about pain. pain seems to be the main theme of my life for the longest time - so much so that i became a best friend with that emotion. that i could write about it. talk about it. express it so eloquently.

yet i am at a loss when it comes to expressing happiness.

is it because i'm not used to experiencing it? or is it because i'm denying myself of enjoying those moments because i know it's going to be yet another fleeting moment of the eye of the storm?

in the end do happy or sad thoughts win the day?

depends on the individual i suppose.

sorry not making any sense... feels as if my brain is degenerating.

quizzies

2008-05-31T23:38:00.000+08:00

Who's Your Sex and the City Match?

My Result: Miranda

Pessimistic? You? No way! You might come off that way occasionally but you can't fool us. Under that hard shell lives a soft heart and someone who would do just about anything for friends (and family, sure, but mostly friends). With strong opinions and the rare ability say what's on your mind, you are truly one of a kind.

When things get tough, you're usually the one your friends turn to for inspiration and support — and a little tough love to boot. But you're also one of the most independent people around. Not one for superficial relationships, you might not win the prize for having the most friends, but the ones you do have are real — and just what you need.

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=sexandthecityogt&c=50652

some cool tunes to cool down the temperature.

2008-05-29T12:30:00.002+08:00

yearning for some dance tunes to chill out to? well here are some :) mostly old school modjo and bob sinclair...my favourite house artists. :)

chilling

lady!

a weird combi of two of my favourite songs..haha i'll fly with you plus lady. heh.

"world hold on" reminds me of my nights with E at velvet. :)

another version

more tunes - back to trance and techno :)

2008-05-25T12:46:00.005+08:00

some life perspective

2008-05-25T12:03:00.002+08:00

Your Personality Is Like Ecstasy

You're usually feeling the love for the world around you - you want to hug everyone.

And while you're usually content to sit back and view the world with wonder...

Sometimes you're world becomes very overwhelming and a little scary.

At your best: You're totally buzzing, and every little thing makes you happy.

What people like about being around you: You're a one person party. Dancing, hugging, tons of smiles!

What people dislike about being around you: Once you're done partying, you're pretty exhausted and depressed.

How addicted people get to you: Not very. Though don't take it personally. They still like you!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

there's probably some truth in this aspect....where i tend to be the live of the party and wear my heart on my sleeve...like how some colleagues remarked on how happy i looked and when i dun smile..they know i am sort of out of sorts heh.

probably tt's something i have to work on..not to appear on a whim...and my moods.

You Are a Cappuccino

You're fun, outgoing, and you love to try anything new.

However, you tend to have strong opinions on what you like.

You are a total girly girly at heart - and prefer your coffee with good conversation.

You're the type that seems complex to outsiders, but in reality, you are easy to please

What Kind of Coffee Girl Are You?

Your Scent is Mango

Sultry, sweet, and mellow

You enjoy every moment of life!

What's Your Girl Smell?

Your Nail Polish Color is Purple

How you're unique: You are artistic and expressive

Why your style rocks: You pay special attention to color and fabrics

What this color says about you: "I'm creative and know how to take care of myself"

What Color Nail Polish Best Fits You?

on a hot vesak public holiday weekend........

2008-05-19T12:27:00.002+08:00

yes.. here are some beach numbers for you to enjoy while i try not to melt under the hot sun. well a range of weird assortment of songs.. from 90's dance music venga boys to the 1960s beach boys...to 1950s big swing band tune-> glen miller and his orchestra. :) another number i love is the moonlight serenade. truly romantic music.

happy mummy's day

2008-05-11T10:41:00.002+08:00

yeah this is one of the most commercialised days where people thank their mummies for tolerating them for the whole year heh.

i might not be a mummy, or married... but somehow been told by friends that i'll make a good mother. argh.

perhaps it's the tendency to take care of my younger siblings....as well as the fact that my own mother isn't around anymore. yeah she's gone to heaven in 2001.

yesterday, i forced myself to wake up.... and dragged myself to the saturday evening service with my sister. we went to "visit" mummy...and of course deep down we just wished her happy mother's day.

my mum isn't exactly a perfect mother.

she had me when she was a mere 21 year old. young and afraid i guess...and her maternal instincts were not quite developed yet.

so i've always felt she never really did loved me during my childhood or early teens.

it was only until I was 19 that i realised how much my mother loved me.

during that time she was horribly sick with kidney failure and stuff....so we'll still sneak out in the middle of the night to have girl talk.

and yes... my mum still appears in my dreams whenever i'm feeling very sick or having a really bad time.

somehow part of me is afraid to let others take care of me..because i do not know when they'll leave me again.

leave me feeling rather abandoned and alone.

afterall, it's so much easier to rely on yourself than be dependent on someone else.

but that's me. i'm just too sentimental. :)

anyway happy mother's day to all!

RHYTHM IS THE DANCER

2008-05-07T22:46:00.002+08:00

heh yes my ah lian mode is out yet again on a boring wednesday night.

ay the stupid period is zapping the life out of me and feeling rather burnt out by the whole term.

just thinking of things on the whole.

in a way...i'm very tired at work.........feeling drained by the responsibilities and what is to come in the later part of the year.

somehow, i need a fresh start next year...yet i don't know where my path leads to.

there are a lot of push and pull factors to consider.

of course my priorities is taking care and protecting my family.

my dad is getting on the years...while my sisters are still young...with one who will fly soon in university in 2 years time.

*stressed*

i need to think about their future. and ya of course i need to think about my own happiness...but what is my own happiness when the very ones who are dear to me are suffering then?

perhaps there's a crusade in me who seeks to save everyone.

perhaps i should save myself first.

sigh decisions...decisions.......

looking forward to the restful phuket in june where i can finally reflect in my bikini and with close friends.

fab tunes from tiesto

2008-05-04T17:05:00.000+08:00

life is a string of surprises and coincidences

2008-05-01T20:35:00.002+08:00

this week has goto be remembered as the mc week. i've never felt so sick in the whole year as now..when the weather turned absolutely nasty and humid.

so yes monday was sick at home.

tuesday i tot i recovered

wed i got sick again

thursday recovery mode.

but somehow last night's strange turn of events just made me ponder.

are time and events merely patterns and tt we're meant to meet certain person at a particular time......but once that time has passed...we'll never meet that person again?

if so.......then maybe there's no pt thinking too much since everything is pretty much planned in the first place?

Signs

2008-04-26T16:33:00.002+08:00

just today i received some sad news from a friend. i was shocked at the relevation.

it's perhaps god's way of telling me that it's time to move on and say hello to a new phase of my life.

i've always loved moving onto another journey, but trapped together with the rebellious maverick who loves spontaneous changes is an old lady who is still tied to her sentimental strings to people and things of the past.

i feel so much older now. grown up a lot in my twenties...and when i look back at the person i was five years ago.....i've become so different.

like the other day when the ex spoke to me on msn......it felt super weird. and i even wondered why did i even fancy him in the first place.

perhaps the past me loved him deeply..but tt person has died and in her place is a more evolved version.

maybe that's what biologists always claim.

the natural selection. haha. except that in this case it's a warped version. i've mutated to a completely different person.

in a way.....i'm glad i did not succumb to the pressures of wedding bells or ticking biological clock because.....it'll be quite scary to see how i cope now committing to things that the past me loved....and how the present me can accept such commitments made when i was so young.

don't get me wrong. i am not feeling emo or upset or jaded.

it's a strange sense of detachment.........such that........... things don't bother me anymore.

i just live, breathe, love, get hurt, be loved, embrace, let go, learn, give, take............in the way god wants me to learn from a journey we call life.

ya..... finally...... i found the answers my inner soul so wanted to know from god.

and that is..... have faith and let god do the rest.

our past ghosts

2008-04-23T22:25:00.002+08:00

there are times we think we got over someone or something, but somehow these ghosts of the past seem to reappear in different forms at different times.

the purpose of their so-called demonic renewal or reappearance?

maybe it is to make us reexamine our real thoughts or misgivings...whether we have really gotten over these past ghosts...and if these past ghosts do affect us as much.

in the past i used to be really affected when they do.

now?

i merely embrace and smile.

perhaps some so-called past ghosts are here to stay.

and if we're ok with it...we've truly moved on.

RESTLESS

2008-04-13T15:48:00.003+08:00

This has been a restless period for me...starting from march until april. somehow i find my solace in fiction, film and books.

one good rental find was the chinese movie Eternal Summer. it's a surreal story that shows how thin the line between friendship and love could be. and somehow this year i learnt a great deal of lesson from it.

i used to be the type of can pigeon hole my friends very easily.

I just put a friend as a friend or a lover potential as a potential.

Seldom do the two collide.

which is why i was shocked when 1 friend tried to cross that line.

maybe i'm naive to think that true platonic friendship can exist between a guy and a girl.

or rather i assumed everyone else thought like me.

oh well...it's really a good movie..and here's the synopsis i got from this website http://movies.msn.com/movies/movie.aspx?m=2103602&affid=100037&mp=syn

"Three high-school students experience the perks and pratfalls of modern love in director Leste Chen's sensitive tale of friendship and yearning. As a child living in a seaside town in southern Taiwan, studious Jonathan (Bryant Chang) was asked by his concerned teacher to look after rebellious classmate Shane (Joseph Chang). Ten years later, what was once a good-natured obligation has since blossomed into a warm friendship, with Jonathan still on the academic track and Shane finding his calling on the basketball court. When Taiwanese-born schoolgirl Carrie (Katy Yeung) transfers to their school from Hong Kong and convinces Jonathan to join her on a secret day trip to Taipei, her botched effort to seduce him in a sleazy love hotel, combined with her observations of his and Shane's friendship, soon leads her to believe that the object of her affections is a homosexual in love with his best friend. Despite her initial misgivings about the boorish Shane, Carrie soon begins to give in to the troublemaker's roguish charm when he convinces her to become his girlfriend if he is accepted into a university. Later, as Shane pulls his act together and Jonathan begins to experience a sexual-identity crisis, the former does his best to keep his feelings for Carrie secret in order to protect the feelings of his lifelong friend. Despite Jonathan's, Shane's, and Carrie's best efforts to keep their personal feelings secret, the truth eventually emerges, forcing all three to view their relationships in an entirely new light."

DIFFERENT SELF

2008-03-30T18:36:00.002+08:00

yesterday while waiting for a friend to meet me for lunch, i popped over to the good ol' borders for some nice book. yeah and i chose the random way to "feel" for the right book.

and there it was. haruki murakami's sputnik sweethearts.

i shan't dwell into the book content but there was one part which disturbed me so.....one of the characters wanted to go on a ferris wheel and peep back at her own studio apartment via the binoculars while she's on the ferris wheel. how bizarre is that? or warped? and then instead of viewing an empty room, she saw her 2nd self doing other things......and since then she was never the same again.

yeah...and i can really relate to this odd behaviour.

i have a guy's mind trapped in a girl's body and ambushed by a girl's heart and emotions.

sometimes when i am logically thinking about things, the guy takes over and is cold and heartless.

the girl is chained until someone manages to break through that wall and rescue her.

i have two different selves.

conflicting and weird.

and as V told me before that i should just make up my mind and stop being so conflicted as a person...i can't as that's the essence of who i am.

i am super masculine in my thoughts yet feminine in my emotions and outlook of relationships

ya......the pain of being able to understand both sides of the coin.

maybe one fine day my two selfs will be split...............when destiny takes place. i wonder which self would i rather be left with.

some cheesy songs from the past

2008-03-24T00:17:00.001+08:00

you know what's the funniest thing. this used to be a child-hood song...

yes.. hehehe. quite funny how i actually sang along to this song to fall asleep..and hog onto the cassette tape that belonged to my mum's foster sister.

now it seems super inappropriate...for a child to listen to such content..but thank god my parents were liberal la..heh there shouldn't be any censorship for good music. :)

just another random song

2008-03-23T19:22:00.000+08:00

heh this song really reminds me of someone.

TIMBALAND (f/ Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake) LYRICS

Give It To Me

[Timbaland]
Is it going? Is it going?
Is it going? Is it going?
I don't know.. what you're lookin' for

Oh yea boss
Come on

[Nelly Furtado]
I'm the type of girl to look you dead in the eye-eye
I realize when it come to it you don't realize why I'm fly-y-y
Seen you tryna switch it up but girl you ain't that dope
I'm a Wonder Woman, let me go get my rope
I'm a supermodel and mami, see mami
Amnesty International got bankdrupt, I'm on top, on lock
Love my ass, love my abs in the video of "Promiscous"
My style is ri-dic-dic-diculous, 'diculous, 'diculous

[Nelly + (Justin)]
If you see us in the club, we'll be actin' real nice
If you see us on the floor, you'll be watchin' all night
We ain't hear to hurt nobody
(So give it to me, give it to me, give it to me)
Wanna see you work your body
(So give it to me, give it to me, give it to me)

[Timbaland]
When Timbo is in the party, everybody put up they hands
I get a half a mil' for my beats, you get a couple gra-an-and
Never gon' see the day that I ain't got the upper hand
I'm respected from Californ-I-A, all the way down to Japan
I'm a real producer and you just a piano man
Your songs don't top the charts, I heard 'em, I'm not a fa-an-an
Niggas talkin' greasy, I'm the one that gave them they chance
Somebody need to tell them that they can't do it like I can

[Nelly + (Justin)]
If you see us in the club, we'll be actin' real nice
If you see us on the floor, you'll be watchin' all night
We ain't hear to hurt nobody
(So give it to me, give it to me, give it to me)
Wanna see you work your body
(So give it to me, give it to me, give it to me)

[Justin Timberlake]
Could you speak up and stop mu-mumbling, I don't think you came in clear
When you're sittin' on the top, it's hard to hear you from way up here
I saw you tryin' to act cute on TV, "Just let me clear the air..."
We missed you on the charts last week, damn, that's right you wasn't there
If se-sexy never left, then why's everybpdy on my shi-it-it
Don't hate on me just because you didn't come up with it
So if you see us in the club, go on and walk the other way
Cause our run will never be over, not at least until we say

[Nelly + Justin]
If you see us in the club, we'll be actin' real nice
If you see us on the floor, you'll be watchin' all night
We ain't hear to hurt nobody
(So give it to me, give it to me, give it to me)
Wanna see you work your body
(So give it to me, give it to me, give it to me)

[Nelly (Justin)]
Oh.. (Damn, improve)
Oh.. (Damn, improve)
Oh.. (Damn, improve)
Oh.. (Damn, improve)

Oh.. (Damn, improve)
Oh.. (Damn, improve)
Oh.. (Damn, improve)
Oh.. (Damn, improve)

[Nelly + Justin]
... club, we'll be actin' real nice
If you see us on the floor, you'll be watchin' all night
We ain't hear to hurt nobody
(So give it to me, give it to me, give it to me)
Wanna see you work your body
(So give it to me, give it to me, give it to me)

If you see us in the club, we'll be actin' real nice
If you see us on the floor, you'll be watchin' all night
We ain't hear to hurt nobody
(So give it to me, give it to me, give it to me)
Wanna see you work your body
(So give it to me, give it to me, give it to me)

recap

2008-03-22T13:05:00.002+08:00

just on wednesday i went to have my hot yoga class in orchard...then hopped over to watch the local film leap years.

it was not bad and it did make me weep a bit...

totally reminded me what a wreak i am romantically haha.

for more details
http://www.mediacorpraintree.com/tly/

it kindda made me teared because i have a similarly tragic fated sort of relationship with someone who was so wrong for me and yet so right.

and that guy also miaed from time to time.

and as much as i try to forget him...i can't.

he'll always have a special place in my heart. perhaps i should just stop denying that and maybe truly..i can move on. :)

a brand new semester

2008-03-17T00:32:00.002+08:00

yeah gonna restart work yet again after a blissful week break.

i'm gonna be very very busy...and it's quite frightening at the amt of stuff i need to do...yeeks.

so pai-seh if you don't get to read much blog entries here or chat or even see me haha.. all i can say is.... i barely have time for myself...so

for once...i think i'll like to take a break from socialising. :)

Fascinated with the mei gui hua

2008-03-15T15:18:00.003+08:00

for some reason or other..i've found myself to be quite drawn to the rose this year.

but come to think of it..how can anyone not be?

After all, it's often depicted as the symbol of love and passion, romance and beauty...and only with its sheer scent can anyone be mesmerized.

yeah let me recall....

the rose was used in beauty and the beast.

it's often used in seductive moves of salsa and tango?

and yes it was also used in the da vinci code if i am not wrong? heh

perhaps to me...it's a symbol of my life la.. started all well, only to be cut by its thorn and yet i also know that i'll survive. :)

Moments of stoning

2008-03-14T15:02:00.003+08:00

i listen to the following track when i'm feeling disillusioned, stoned, jaded, zen, detached from reality, discontented, and somehow it always manage to cheer me up in an odd way.

perhaps detaching emotions isn't everyone's cup of tea. but for me...it's the way i gain stability and sanity in my logic order of things.

my beloved friends

2008-03-12T23:41:00.002+08:00

haha someone once said i seemed to have known my friends quite randomly. so this is dedicated to my wonderful friends

The one i knew randomly through
1) a friend's birthday party.
2) a jc classmate and choir.
3) irc channel to research on some people
4) choir in jc
5) during my school days to teach
6) a girly online forum
7) clubbing outing
8) at a class in ntu

and more of course :p

break my fall god

2008-03-09T19:05:00.001+08:00

pls break my fall god....and show me the way.

i am seeking your way and trying hard not to rely on only my strength but also through you :)

IT'S STRANGE BUT TRUE

2008-02-25T20:57:00.002+08:00

it's strange but true that....

happiness is actually easy to find.

it comes in spurts and when you least expect it to find, it's there.

ya. i know the emo monster has temporarily disappeared. and somehow while riding on someone's bike today, i felt happy.

ya the company helped. but it was more of how actually...i suddenly realised my life isn't so bad afterall.

it's all about perception i guess as someone once tried to put across to me.

it's hard indeed.

this is how i'm feeling. ya the updated remix of one of my favourite techno songs haha.

it's quite funny how long ago i felt like this.

perhaps 10 years ago?

when little things mattered to me.

now i'm more grounded and know that sometimes the ground beneath me might shamble and fall apart.

it's strange but true but in an odd sense...it took me 27 years to realise.... sometimes... being happy isn't a state or have prerequisites or even an outcome or an initial condition to begin with.

it is just there in front of you and it's up to you to see that it exist. haha

in my memory

2008-02-22T12:39:00.000+08:00

wow..found this track accidentally...

totally can relate to how it feels.

i feel like it now..although suffering from bouts of bad flu.......argh i hate being sick and being drugged by medication.

one nice colleague told me i looked very grouchy and unhappy..i told her tt's becoz i'm not well..so i look like tt when unwell heh.

the aftermath of the birthday

2008-02-18T01:19:00.002+08:00

heh yeah i finally turned 27...a step closer to the big 3-0.

and yes i had a fab time with friends at cafe del mar and so on.

the ones who turned up: viv and krys; my sis gen, brabra, bryan ho, joe, dawn, evy, dan, grace and jenna.

it felt serene seeing the sun set in the beach setting of cafe del mar...with strangely slow trance tunes in the air and the zen like still air filling our noses...and giving us our every breath.

likewise i guess that's how i see life now.

"let it be" mantra.

how i'm feeling is depicted by tiesto's mtv below heh.

generally... i feel blessed.....just as i am as disappointed in life.

i have wonderful friends who care a lot about me...despite my very own imperfections and limitations. my bizarre mood swings. my indecisive nature. my odd ability to go back on my word. my bad temper. my pessimism. my resigned nature.

and yeah... i was supposed to turn my back on him.

supposed to.

yet i guess people say one will feel lonely right after the birthday celebration when all the anticipation of excitement dies down.

i msged him...and he responded.

i don't know what to do say.. but he's always there when i needed someone to cuddle and to hug and to talk to.

it's really hard to move on la.

especially from the very person who understands me and knows how to make me happy so instinctively and vice versa.

i'm not upset. i'm not deluded and certainly not unhappy.

i'm just at a stage where i feel the two Ws.

whatever and will see how things go. (ok four more extra words haha)

hee

2008-02-15T18:59:00.001+08:00

hee

2008-02-15T18:59:00.000+08:00

bleeding in love

2008-02-10T20:11:00.000+08:00

Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis

Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don’t care what they say

I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I....

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I....

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I....

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

CNY and the emo stuff

2008-02-08T21:27:00.000+08:00

it's the 2nd day of the new year, and i was feeling rather down the night before.

the aftermath of after thoughts of something that should have remained in the past.

i was feeling rather emo and depressed as i thought about how i longed for that someone and managed to get over him... yet i allowed myself to once again open that little crack in my heart for him to reach inside yet again.

and yes i felt as if a whole hand went into my heart through that crack and squeezed the inside until they seem like little pieces of tomatoes.

yet. the key word is yet.

i knew that it can't go on...so, i told him (ha i know for the millionth time) that we shouldn't meet again.

no more.

and of course he had little reaction.

and yeah i know how he might have so much disbelief since i've said that so many times yet went back on my word again.

but.

i have to.

i don't see myself yearning for him years later only to get emptiness and disappointment in return.

i love myself too much to do that to myself.

despair shouldn't be my middle name.

renewal should be.

so bye... closed that crack in my heart again and hope it doesn't leak once more.

went for body combat class today...and reflected in the steam room.

had some quiet time to myself..and finally went home to cook dinner.

strangely...all these cheered me up once again.

miracle

2008-02-07T21:02:00.000+08:00

"Miracle"

Boy meets girl
You were my dream,my world
But i was blind
You cheated on me from behind
So on my own
I feel so all alone
Though I know it's true
I'm still in love with you

I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me

Miracle... Miracle [echo]

Day and night
I'm always by your side
Cause I know for sure
My love is real my feelings pure
So take a try
No need to ask me why
Cause I know it's true
I'm still in love with you

I need a miracle...
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me

Miracle... Miracle [echo]

Miracle... Miracle [echo]

realisation

2008-02-07T15:21:00.000+08:00

realise, understand are some of the most commonly used words in my everyday lingo, or at least in my thoughts.

this year started out well when i realised that i needed to be more expressive and assertive when it came to my feelings and emotions. just suppressing them wasn't the way to go, i needed to rant it out or at least be truthful to myself and the other person.

Weird intersection of circles

2008-01-28T21:35:00.000+08:00

1) my current colleague actually was a friend of a friend of my physics teacher at jc.

2) my old friend from college days knew this particular girl..who was my then good friend's good friend.

perhaps we were meant to just go round and round in circles and mingle and mix with the same bunch.

and if destiny is there...you'll be close to certain people at certain periods of your lives.

I LOVE REAL MCCOY

2008-01-27T19:35:00.000+08:00

yes..i'm still stuck in the 90's where dance music ruled the radiowaves..and how techno beats were the in beat.

but this is seriously one of my favourite groups of that dance era.

Are we afraid of our own reflection?

2008-01-27T19:22:00.000+08:00

this really turned out to be the year of meeting people i haven't seen for a long while.

one of them is my friend S...my jc junior, sec sch junior..whom i haven't talked to since 2000.

our friendship is quite unique... like i just went up and said hi to her at college when i saw her in the familiar blue pinafore uniform which i wore for 10 years of my life.

and yes... our dinner became the "what happened since then" sort of thing.

and one thing she said was true. she wouldn't date guys who have the same ailment as she does.

perhaps in a way i understood that totally.

why slim shady wouldn't want me.....coz in me he saw the plump side of him before he lost weight.

and why i didn't like arrogant guys ...because i saw a little of myself in that.

but am i destined to only attract unstable guys who are never sure of what they want in life?

or do i instill that in many guys i meet.

well... see how things go is the motto.

Alone

2008-01-25T22:20:00.000+08:00

i never felt so alone before...and i do not know why the pangs of loneliness just seep into me since thursday night.

i feel that if i disappear...no one would notice........esp if i tell a white lie to everyone.

ay..disturbing thoughts i know..but tt's how i'm feeling.

that's what happen when u have no one to fall back on but yourself.

perhaps i should get used to this feeling then.

THE PROMISE OF PAIN

2008-01-24T21:12:00.000+08:00

Pain. The underused word. The romance of human suffering that is beautifully captured in almost every wonder of man's words, films, works, books, movies and even art.

so yeah... i finally plucked the courage to transfer my emotional pain, the pain that was buried in my heart for a long time to the physical arena.

but before i dwell on the wonders of physical pain, let me just say that i had enough of longing for people who no longer cared for me as much as i cared for them.

so as the needle infused its permanent ink into my tender skin on my back, my negative emotions pulsed directly to the new beautiful wound.

i thought of my ex, the one i almost married and loved the most...yet the one who also let me down the most. recently i made peace with him and became friends again, yet i knew...deep down the feelings still run deep. but now the bitterness is all gone.

i thought of slim shady, the guy who was really my soul mate, one i could understand just by that look or a nudge at the hand. the one who knew how to make me happy instinctively, and yet the one who also carelessly broke my heart and made use of me.

i thought of random guys who treated me badly...and told myself, i love myself so much more so i won't tolerate such behaviour or be affected by such attitude anymore.

and the vibrating needle jerks me to my senses.

i realise i was happy again. truly stripped of all those emotional burdens that i kept too long for my own good.

when i saw the splendour of its bloom....

i told myself.......wow. this is truly a metaphor of my life.

a cross....which has three curves which symbolise my sisters, and it also symbolises christ who loves me despite it all.

then there's this rose that is twined around it. it's me. filled with thorns, sorrow, pain and anguish.

yet... i managed to bloom because of god's true blessing.

i can't exactly say that i am ultimately happy

but i can say i feel blessed and for once.....love myself so much more.

closing and opening chapters

2008-01-19T17:12:00.000+08:00

when i was younger, i used to love climbing up the double-decked bed by the side, by the ladder over and over again. it seems addictive and familiar and fun....so much so that i knew every nook and cranny.

as i get older, i get too used to this comfort zone by referring too much to the past. it could be an old friend, the usual food i used to eat for the trizillionth time or maybe the old surroundings of school and home.

and then now i start to view this with somewhat jaded eyes and something in me stirred.

i just didn't want to be stagnant anymore.

no more delayed emotions or wishing and moping and hoping.

when the chapter is closed, it ought to stay that way. there's no point flipping the pages back to get back to where you lost time.

so in 2006 and 2007, where i wasted too much time on waiting for things to unfold or even hope that the past glories will repeat themselves, this year my motto is......heck care and just enjoy myself haha.

RnB tunes

2008-01-05T19:06:00.000+08:00

Artist: Sean Kingston
Album : Sean Kingston
Song: Beautiful Girls

Lyrics :

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do your dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over

Verse 1:
See it started at the park
Used to chill at the dark
Oh when you took my heart
That's when we fell apart
Coz we both thought
That love lasts forever (lasts forever)
They say we're too young
To get ourselves sprung
Oh we didn't care
We made it very clear
And they also said
That we couldn't last together (last together)

Refrain:
See it's very define, girl
One of a kind
But you mush up my mind
You walk to get declined
Oh Lord...
My baby is driving me crazy

Chorus:
You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do your dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over

Verse 2:
It was back in '99
Watchin' movies all the time
Oh when I went away
For doin' my first crime
And I never thought
That we was gonna see each other (see each other)
And then I came out
Mami moved me down South
Oh I'm with my girl
Who I thought was my world
It came out to be
That she wasn't the girl for me (girl for me)

Refrain:
See it's very define, girl
One of a kind
But you mush up my mind
You walk to get declined
Oh Lord...
My baby is driving me crazy

Chorus:
You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do your dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over

Verse 3:
Now we're fussin'
And now we're fightin'
Please tell me why
I'm feelin' slightin'
And I don't know
How to make it better (make it better)
You're datin' other guys
You're tellin' me lies
Oh I can't believe
What I'm seein' with my eyes
I'm losin' my mind
And I don't think it's clever (think it's clever)

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal, suicidal...

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2008-01-05T15:32:00.000+08:00

yeah this is an overdue post......

had a wonderful new year!!! spent time with some dear friends over drinks..and at butter with two great pals :)

somehow.. i'm glad i'm able to close some chapters in my life..and just enjoy life..despite the ups and downs..the ins and outs.

oh well...term has started...gonna be super busy.

just need to learn to chill. :)

LETTING GO

2007-12-26T12:16:00.000+08:00

today as i was clearing my stuff, came across stuff from the year 1999 to 2006......letters from old friends, current friends, friends whom i was close to at one point or another....or yearbooks of yesteryears at university, jc.

then came across photos of former good friends, current good friends...what i was like and how i developed over the years.

ups and downs. happiness and tears...all smeared across those diaries of mine.

yeah suddenly i'm feeling so introspective about things.

and a sudden inner peace finally.....where i can finally clear the debris of my life and move on with a clearer vision and a fresh start.

and somehow, unlike the past where i grew ashamed of my imperfection and insecurities.....now i just feel as if i can spread my wings and fly.

sure..i might have many chips on my shoulders and emotional scars all over the place and maybe a jaded eye sight...but something within me glows. :) [yes i know i sound cheesy haha..]

and yes...i'll continue with this life journey with a greater fight.... a fight to be happy and loved. and to love of course.

muacks

plus and minus

2007-12-24T17:50:00.000+08:00

PLUS OF 2007
1) got closer to deserving friends
2) grew closer with family
3) recognition at work
4) learning to control my emotions and responsibilities better
5) finding myself again

MINUS OF 2007
1) too many forgettable moments
2) quarrels
3) almost hit rock bottom
4) fatigue
5) overworked

so what does 2008 bring?

I hope
1) more love from within and out.
2) more patience and less self indulgence
3) more devotion and kindness
4) less fatigue and more balance

hello hello

2007-12-20T20:27:00.000+08:00

yeah it's tt time of the year when we contemplate, reflect and wonder what have we done with our lives....

now i'm feeling really sick after the kl trip. heh

really had a good time with three of my best pals around, E,G and D.

we drove all the way (actually it was mostly poor D and partly E) to kl, conquered the horrible wait at the tuas checkpoint, then sped our way to kl.

heh the pub/clubbing scene is definitely more happening....then again G's m'sian friend prefers to club in singapore, so i suppose the grass is always greener on the other side. we did a bit of shopping and then went to this indoor roller coaster ride and other rides which were quite amusing heh.

then of course.......goto say goodbye.

haha next stop would be phuket or bali :) can't wait already.

but really la........realised life is quite unpredictable, whoever knew that i met my current fab friends through quite coincidental means........love them la...
coz they forgive me for the times when i'm grouchy and mean. muacks/

in the meantime i goto nurse this silly sorethroat i got from kl.

no thanks to some drinking and bad air la. heh

somemore crap

2007-12-20T15:34:00.000+08:00

Your Style is Sassy

Your date outfits are flirty and fun - and make guys smile

Occasionally you'll take a fashion risk, and it will pay off

You're up for flashing an inch or two of skin

But your general rule is to leave most of your bod to the imagination

Is Your Date Fashion Style Classy, Sassy, or Trashy?

Your Expression Number is 8

Driven and ambitious, you have the potential to reach great things.

You're both good with money and good at getting things done quickly.

You are an excellent leader and a great judge of character.

Full of energy and confidence, you undertake projects that seem impossible.

Dependable and determined, you are able to understand the bigger picture.

Even if you are not in a position of power right now, it will fall to you.

At times, you can be very materialistic - and obsessed with status and power.

While this isn't always a bad thing, you sometimes take it to the extreme.

In order to be truly happy, you must balance the material and spiritual in your life.

What's Your Expression Number?

Never Date a Scorpio

Jealous, paranoid, and possessive - deep down, your Scorpio will never trust you.

And even if you are very trust worthy person, Scorpio's paranoia may drive you to act out.

Instead try dating: Aries, Gemini, Libra, or Sagittarius

What Sign Shouldn't You Date?

You Are a Strawberry Daiquiri

You're a fun, playful drinker who loves to party.

You may get totally wasted, but you're always a happy drunk!

What Mixed Drink Are You?

You Are a Total Tease

You're all about flirting and fun, but you often give guys the wrong idea

Most men think they have a chance with you... but come on!

You've got high standards, and most men you flirt with aren't going to make the grade

And while your tease act will work for a while, every guy you know will eventually be the wiser

Do Men Think You're You A Tease?

holiday tunes

2007-12-18T21:07:00.000+08:00

Your Makeup Look Is

Dramatic Eyes with Naked Lips

You rock an edgy, modern look with feminine grace

What's Your Signature Makeup Look?

Your Makeup Look Is

Dramatic Eyes with Naked Lips

You rock an edgy, modern look with feminine grace

What's Your Signature Makeup Look?

Your Fashion Style is Trendy

You love fashion and live to shop

And keeping up with the latest trends is what you love best

You know what's in, out, about to be in, and about to be out

You love to dress your friends and would make a killer celebrity stylist

What Kind of Fashionable Woman Are You?

quizzies

2007-12-14T23:30:00.000+08:00

Your Lucky Underwear is Blue

You are caring and extroverted. You've made relationships your number one focus, and your lucky blue underwear can bring some balance to them.

You thrive in one-on-one situations. You are a good listener and a natural born therapist.

Sometimes you let the concerns of others become too important in your life, leading to stress and worry.

If you want more balance, put on your blue underpants. They'll help you take care of yourself first.

What Color Is Your Lucky Underwear?

What The Holidays Mean to You

For you, the holidays are about emotional connections and bonds. You are happiest being around those you love.

You celebrate the holidays in a minimalist style. You are likely to only give one great present and decorate your house with a few special items.

During the holidays, you feel magical. You love all of the decorations and how happy people are. You like to sit back and take it all in.

You think the holidays should be nostalgic and sweet. The holidays bring out your inner child.

Your best holiday memories are of childhood foods and traditions. You secretly still wish you believed in Santa Claus.

What Do the Holidays Mean to You?

Your Love Type: ENFP

The Inspirer

In love, you are passionate and eager to develop a strong bond.

For you, sex should be playful, creative, and affectionate.

Overall, you are perceptive and bring out the best in your partner.

However, you tend to hold on to bad relationships after they've turned bad.

Best matches: INTJ and INFJ

What's Your Love Type?

You are Dark Chocolate

You live your life with intensity, always going full force.

You push yourself (and others) to the limit... you want more than you can handle.

An extreme person, you challenge and inspire the world!

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

You Are Lemon Meringue Pie

You're the perfect combo of sassy and sweet.

You always know how to brighten someone's mood, but you're not overly sappy.

In fact, you can be a bit too honest at times. And most people find that refreshing.

While you're always true to yourself, you keep things light. That's how people are able to stomach your slightly bitter outlook.

Those who like you have well refined tastes.

You're complicated - and let's face it - a true enigma.

You enjoy defying expectations, and there are many layers to your personality.

There's not one easy way to define you.

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Your Vibe is Super Sexy

You feel 100% sexy at almost any moment

And this inner sexiness really does boost your appeal

You're confident, playful, and outgoing

You know what you have to offer - and you're proud of it!

What Kind of Sexy Girl Vibe Do You Have?

Your Lucky Love Color is Purple

When someone gets to know you, the first thing they notice is how romantic you are. The most romantic of all the colors, in fact.

You are a big flirt and a total tease. Your antics get you in trouble, but they also get you what you want.

And unlike what your color might suggest, you are not a princess of any sort. If anything, you make your man feel like a prince.

Your heart is dreamy and open. You don't put restrictions on love - because you never know what can happen.

What Does Your Lucky Love Color Tell Men?

Your True Sign Is Sagittarius

Funny

Confident

Easily Bored

Philosophical

World Traveler

Spontaneous and Wild

Carefree and Irresponsible

Blunt to the Point of Tactless

What Sign Woman Are You, Really?

Your Beauty Element is Fire

Wild and sexy, you keep your beauty style smokin' hot.

You're not afraid of glamour or showing off your assets!

What's Your Beauty Element?

You Are An Invisible Ex

You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an ex

You prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behind

As they say, indifference is the opposite of love!

What Type of Ex Are You?

starting anew

2007-12-14T01:30:00.000+08:00

perhaps it's that time of the year when everything that has happened in the past starts to pour in front of you...and you start to reflect on what was, what's now and what's going to be.

But somehow..it felt as if i was ready to put everything behind me in the past. the bad things that happened.

like

my bad experience with debts
my bad experience with ex-bfs
my bad experience with some people
my bad experience at work

in a way, i feel relieved and released from all the pessimism.

and now i'm ready to soar like an eagle to find my true calling.

so... experimentation takes place now.

song stuck in my hear

2007-12-10T09:38:00.000+08:00

heh yeah the original :p

Good ol' SBC shows :)

2007-12-02T22:37:00.000+08:00

yeah it's 25 years of mediacorp shows...and my dad is invited to star awards coz he was part of the supervising production team during those years of production. ya...he has sort of retired for more than 10 years...heh

hahaha the scandalous show...which was shown when i was primary 3 or 4...and everyone in my class would gossip about how the character bobo was scandalous in sleeping around...and how she got raped and all...not exactly good tv for children heh.

another gem from the 80's hahaha. :p cheesy but quite endearing.

the fab volleyball show that made everyone go crazy :p

the scary show...that always send shudders.... don't know why :p

more classics hahahaha. no wonder i had such imagination back then.

another childhood memory :)

the cheesy music hahahaha purple killer :p and zoe tay in her awful haircut.

god this is the show i stayed up to watch secretly when i was in primary 2. :p

another scary mystery version with a nice song. :)

immortal love :)

qin xin huan wo xin... the show tt made my whole family cry buckets.

the show where chen xiuhuan acted as an alien Feiyue Yinhe

drama mama

2007-12-02T13:44:00.000+08:00

it has been a dramatic year of events.

in short, evy and i summed it up as...

1) a series of forgettable events ....so forgettable that we can no longer remember people's names or sequence of events....is it a sign of old age or simply a sense of bochupness after some fabulous encounters last year?

2) who's in, who's out...yet in again...we never know.

3) it's been a piggy, fatty, busy, frustrating year where we quarrelled so much, patched back and then got too busy to catch up. so...ratty year...we should be thinner, meaner and happier :)

boredom knows no bounds

2007-11-27T00:35:00.000+08:00

Lets101 Quizzes - Fun Quizzes

Lets101 Quizzes - Quizzes For Fun

A soul from Venus with a sexual appeal 6.7 of 10.

Guys hold your breath...

Lets101 Quizzes - Blog Quiz

AMAZING WORLD OF BOOKS

2007-11-20T12:20:00.000+08:00

finally as the nua-ness of holiday hits home, the sudden urge to let the world of books and fairy tales engulf my little world became so strong.

i headed down to kinokuniya with a friend to buy some books.

yeah i got a couple of neil gaiman's books (thanks to the recently released book stardust) as well as one book more relevant for my teaching.

i love his writing. it's simple, it's unique and somewhat refreshing. and as i took a look at its publication date i realise why i missed it. those were the years where i was struggling to memorise from a fixed number of books in order to get into the university.

thus...let's just say i was deprived from reading...and ironically the more i mugged to get the As, the more stupid i felt back then.

anyway..yeah plspls read his books.

it's fab. finished the book within 3-4 hours, which is not bad since i'm what you call a book flirt. i flip a few pages of one book..and get bored..and then move on to read another book... afew chapters..and then move on to another book.

but now i can understand how my ex-colleague remarked on how the fiction world can make you feel so happy......as compared to the hard facts of general knowledge we have to teach the younger generation.

yes i feel blissful

BUT FRANKLY SPEAKING...

this is the first time i watched a movie first..before getting a taste of it in the literature world...which is actually better.

because the limited visual world of movies always fail to impress the readers who are spoilt by their generous imagination.

another must read would be the original version of Lust Caution.

yeah i do read chinese books once in a blue moon to have a taste of the emotional and expressive language.

just a zippy monday and tuesday

2007-11-13T17:52:00.000+08:00

YEAH i'm back from the bad alley of work.

finally.

managed to clear two stacks of work and cleaned up my cubicle...cleared all the rubbish and unnecessary materials.

then yesterday went to a friend's birthday dinner. heh..don't want to share the details but let's just say... we didn't exactly paint the place red...just went crazy and kooky..and impulsive on my side.

then......today headed down to sentosa with a friend to just snooze and laze on the sandy beach at sentosa...under the unusual hot sun of november.

yupz...life doesn't get any better than this :)

STATE OF MIND: ZEN

2007-10-30T01:06:00.000+08:00

This video is awesome and the track is fab. sort of the state of my mind nowadays... random muse random tune which leads to an unusually organised state.

yeah i sort of found this randomly. :)

For those of you who prefer a more sombre piece. heh i love this dance track.

and last but not least...my favourite tune of 2006/7 Dedicated to evy. heh

JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING TO PERK YOU UP

2007-10-27T22:47:00.000+08:00

And I don't mean the cup size.

heh.

today was a blase day with the Sun blazing... fantastic day to go blading or swimming.

so there i was running some errands and randomly headed to that cd shop along scotts road, and before i knew it...i randomly found the tune that my bestie and i hum and sway to when we hit the clubs.

yeah that was the era of lots of fun and laughter, hope we can the zest back.

the ibiza spirit.

and yes i bought that cd.

music is indeed good for your soul.

on a separate note, forced myself to head to the gym to lose some weight and tone up yet again. somehow exercising does strengthen you.

yeah i am feeling weak and sian about something. hate the tension.

but somehow i became more disciplined.

perhaps the timer at the treadmill helped.

just 5 more seconds to go.... just 5 minutes to go.... just a few more moments before the sick feeling of missing a sick person will go away. :)

TENTATIVE

2007-10-27T00:58:00.000+08:00

everything is so tentative in this world.

priorities, wishes, interests, loves and even job security.

since young, we're just simply encouraged to pile up those building blocks of lego so that we can feel a sense of achievement. but little do we know, it'll just end up like a jenga game.

everything just topples.

the higher you build, the greater the collapse.

and sometimes i wonder if i should bother climbing higher....only to face even greater disappointment.

emptiness fills my heart and there is a hollow deep within where no prayer, no consolation or advice can ever fill it up.

the fact is..once dug from within, the pain will never ever go away.

that is the truth. and that is the fact.

instead of pretending that it does not exist.... or that it's tentative...or trying too hard to fill it up, just accept the fact that things are just there for a reason.

whether we face obstacles or joy, happiness or sorrow, achievements or degrading moments....all are just tentative.

everything will just come to nothing.

sigh.

just another week without no work

2007-10-20T21:43:00.000+08:00

it's been a crazy hectic week.

just amazed at how i survived once again.

then again what's new.

my life is just work, work work, go home, bathe, eat, finish more work before i speak less than 10 sentences to the three family members and then log onto computer...say hi to friend a, b and c...before hitting the sack.

only to wake up at an insane hour to go to work...and the cycle continues

oh well...that's how meaningful life gets i suppose.

and yes....somehow work turns you into a person you're no longer...

i actually overslept and made my bestie wait for me...

sigh

just lucky that she's a sweetie who forgives me besides my terrible attitude at times.

and ....the more i tried to control my spending..i actually bought 3 cheap tops, one pair of shoes and signed up for yoga classes. yes you might be asking what am i thinkig.

i should have some fiscal control!!!

BUT...i have you know that I BOUGHT EVERYTHING AT DISCOUNTED RATE...and the yoga class was a steal..bargained to the last penny..hahaha

ok... once weekend is over...

another round of madness.

reckon

2007-10-15T23:58:00.000+08:00

yeah. finally managed to get some decent sleep after trying too hard to do too many things at one go.

1) finish horrendous marking within the dreadfully tight deadline
2) figure a way out on how to manage my different jobscopes and at the same time don't go insane
3) not sleep and yet finish what i goto do.

too many things to do and too little time.

but in the strange spate of things.... some sense of optimism managed to seep into the little pea brain of mine, which is often infused with negativity.

1) even though i can't please everyone, or expect to be accepted by all, i should be happy the way i am. yeah sure, i get grouchy and terrible at times, but who doesn't.

2) someone commented that "i'm a teacher= achievement" with a loud meh...seriously, yeah true, material wise, i look as if i live for paper and red pens but my work life is more than just slashing red lines all over what were known as trees.

3)yeah, my life may suck now, my work and love life is non-existant but so what. i will survive it. i will live through it.

in short, just glad that the exercising did more good for my mind and soul rather than just for my body.

countdown to two more mad months of the year.

After a crazy period at work

2007-10-14T16:39:00.000+08:00

yes i've finally recovered after feeling quite tired for the past few weeks.

one round of madness is over, so now it is onto another round of madness.

and the worst part about resting is...the procrastination sigh

the wonders of friendship

2007-10-10T00:00:00.000+08:00

just the other day i was grumbling and feeling lonesome...

as much as it's cheesy, just grateful that i had friends around me to rally around me.........to support me......to rebuke me for being silly.........to gently remind me that it is ok to feel inadequate sometimes.

yeah i've gotten my act together, slowly gaining back my confidence and health through going to the gym more regularly.

it's quite odd to see that suddenly i see my purpose of life through sports.

maybe there's a closet athelete in me waiting to get out. haha. god forbid that to happen given that i've always been the clumsy silly one who take longer time to pick up a sport or even get the posture right.

yupz. the wonders of friendship.

Deja vu

2007-10-07T00:54:00.001+08:00

hmmm i was just reading an old blog entry in Dec 2006. almost a year ago. it's funny how our memory fails us...and yet a written account reminds us of what exactly we were feeling and thinking then.

yeah. i've dragged this long time. enough chances were given. maybe to begin with..i was just imagining that he liked me. sigh oh well. it's time to put an end to this.

the blog entry:
"we had what we called a three-weeks break. never saw him, never hear from him, and in a sense, i've also decided not to contact him.

until i saw him walk past me in one of the clubs.

i don't know why, i just messaged him. and he messaged back to ask who was i with and where was i.

and pride took over. i just said i was leaving and gave him a vague answer of whom i was with.

then, of course there was one confrontation meeting. where i questioned him on why he miaed for a period before telling me the truth.

then, there was a few cold/polite sms exchanges.

and the night i told myself i would resolve from contacting him.

the funny thing is....friends and i wanted to go to Place A. but place A was closed, so we headed for another venue. while queueing at that venue, he walked past....and he saw me...i saw him... lingered glance.

and then the exchange of cold/polite sms.

i don't know what to call him. fate? god making me face up to my fears? coincidence? stalking?

guess i'll just let the drama of my life unfold by itself...while i sit back and relax."

DETACHMENT AND ATTACHMENT

2007-10-06T13:52:00.000+08:00

just the other night by the dam, as i was whispering rather solemn thoughts to my dear friend D, we were talking about the problems with love and life.

sometimes in the worst scheme of things, the person you adored or grew attached to...somehow has a strange inverse relationship with you.

the more attached you are to the person, the more he tries to run away from you and engage in deception and denial that will only manage to make you feel anguished and hurtful for a long time to come.

or

the more you grow detached and become as ice cold and mysterious as the ice berg that sank the titanic (sorry if i got too lyrical...must be the marking of horrid comprehension that made me strive not to be affected by the bad english); the more the person tries to get back into your life.

i don't know!

the first time i felt super emo about this whole affair earlier last month was basically simple yearning and missing.

but now... it's more like "i just want to get out of this pit fast! but i'm afraid to look back and regret as i see the light at the end of the tunnel"

tired of this tennis game

tired of being the silly one who bothers to initiate and care

tired of being the fool

tired of feeling emo

yearning to go back to my robotic self.

yearning to go back to the comfort of the logical world.

ARGH.

pessimistic thoughts

2007-10-02T23:11:00.000+08:00

snappy, terrible and very defensive.

yeah that's me for most of 2007 and possibly for most of my life.

i have many issues at hand........and i think i'm losing it. sigh

guess only god can save me.

the only thing is........ i've decided to stop talking to him for a long long while.

flight

2007-09-24T21:16:00.000+08:00

Music. the entrance to our soul. the extreme expression of our emotional self. the outlet of our frustration. the medium and platform through which we express our hopes and dreams.

yeah. analyse the music you listen to and it gives you a very good idea of your mental state.

and as i observed the type of music i have listened to.

here are some common points
1) Flight...somehow the lyrics point to one common thing. "I wanna fly with you" "sunshine, when you're with me i can fly"

-> perhaps it shows a calling for me, or rather a yearn to break free from the clutches of bureacracy and the rigid system that i feel so trapped in.
-> Perhaps my wanderlust for freedom is starting to build up again just after i have build a comfort zone around me.

2) Ibiza/meaningless cheesy techno music

maybe this is just another sign of escapism. Apparently techno is associated with ah bengs, drugs that make one feel high, gives one a false sense of anticipation and joy haha...

maybe i just need a temporary source of relief something that makes me "high" even when i'm feeling low.

so ...what tunes are you listening to today?

maybe you'll find out more about yourself... thru the notes and words penned carefully by the song writer...than through those cheesy self help books and tarot cards.

Crazy Baby

2007-09-23T01:20:00.001+08:00

dedicated to that someone who always manages to confuse me sigh.

NICE AWARDS :)

2007-09-22T22:35:00.000+08:00

somehow when one reaches rock bottom and other than the devil and the deep blue sea...there's nowhere else to head to but to float upwarsd...true true.

for some reason i'm feeling high and happy. perhaps it's because of the extra exercise...yeah started going back to the gym to shed the excess weight i put on, gain back my health and of course get rid of the emotional baggage i've been carrying way too long.

or could it be my bunch of supportive friends who never saw me in a judgemental light and yet persist in encouraging me whenever i felt like the worst piece of shit in the world, mumble endless hours of irrational emo.

so i've decided to pass on the niceness award which my dear friend sue has endowed on me...aww.

so here i am trying to give my own set of niceness award.

feels good.... after watching endless cheesy hours of oscars heh.

Sue -for being the nicest sweetest friend who's there to offer me sweet and sound advice when i really needs it. for the crabby moments and introducing me to her world of gaming :) love u sis.

Evy - for being the best sister i never had. my fellow partner in crime when it comes to doing fun stuff.For being there for me when i was down and up. For your forgiving nature when i let you down. muacks :)

Daniel - for being the bitchy partner in crime at work. for those gossip and bitchy sessions. and my fellow contestant in irritation.

Grace - for giving me the indian spice which i truly lack in my life haha :) being such a great friend.

Dawn - for being the wonderful fellow whiner and diner and being a fab friend for the past ....shhh.... almost 8-9 years. god i know u for so long.

Sanjay - for being the totally wonderful friend who listens to me with unbiased ears and eyes. buddie for life. :)

Self Love

2007-09-16T22:20:00.000+08:00

if year 2005 taught me that i just got to learn to be patient while year 2006 taught me to take things easy and enjoy the moments. year 2007 has got to be the one where i learn to love myself properly.

Self love is something not well preached in the circles of Asian culture because we're always expected to place other people's needs before our own. to do otherwise will be interpreted as being selfish, individualistic and maybe simply a rebel in society.

i've always believed in taking care of other people's needs...but over the years i realised that maybe before i can take care of people, i just need to take care of myself first.

it's been a hard year where the stress and disappointments in my life has taken a toll on my health and emotional well-being.

many a times i wonder, what have i done to deserve this.

now i think i have done a lot to deserve this.

first, i didn't love myself enough to shun away individuals who were simply out to make use of me.

second, i didn't love myself enough to say ok that's it folks, i can't do more, i'm tired.

i just soldier on.

doing a google search on the definition of self love brought me to this website.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Barrett1.html

which says "When we can be kind and forgiving in this way to ourselves we are better able to be that with others. Unconditional and forgiving self-love fosters unconditional and forgiving love of others."

so when was the last time you gave yourself a treat or a pat on the back when others around you have failed to do so?

i've spent too much time seeking validation from those around me...maybe it's time for me to seek validation from within.

just some moments in time

2007-09-14T19:42:00.000+08:00

there is a split second when you realised you're in love or in hate.

and in the fraction of the second, you can feel the vibe from someone.

somehow you just know.

whether or not you hate, feel , love, envy that someone.

and when you finally do, you realise oh shit what have you done.

every single cheesy tune or music that moves you...reminds you of that person.

the songs that tell you the person's not the one.

the songs whose lyrics speak for the yearning you have for that somebody.

and the movie scenes that try to coax you gently that maybe it's time for you to move on and not wait for someone who won't just budge.

if you ever have any of those heart aching moments....welcome to my world :)

Gigi D' Agostino - I'll Fly with You

2007-09-14T16:51:00.001+08:00

one of my favourite tunes of techno..and i've found it :)

THE PAST SUBSTANCE

2007-09-13T23:44:00.000+08:00

there are many occasions when i stop and think about what had happened to me in the past and then shed a tear.

true the past is something that has already happened and the least we can do for ourselves is just to simply let it go. but is it really so simple as that?

sometimes i think life deals with people with a harsh card.

those of us who start out with a relatively happier childhood and youth will tend to do better in life than those of us who struggle with childhood traumas and painful teenhood while grappling with the pains of growing up.

sometimes i wonder if i am indeed overcompensating with my adulthood now...by behaving childishly at times..for the very times i was forced to deal with adult issues with my little teenaged or child-like hands.

one dear friend told me perhaps it's all these bitter experiences that made me who i am and what made me a better person.

but is it really all worth it?

Raul Midón - Sunshine

2007-09-11T00:05:00.001+08:00

the longer version. :p

Raul Midon 'sunshine' David Morales!

2007-09-10T23:56:00.001+08:00

Raul Midon - Sunshine lyrics

Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly

Every day I wonder why
Peace on earth’s so hard to find
Real peace begins inside
In our hearts and in our minds
Hearts and minds begin to see
That one and all means you and me
And what we know can set us free
Rearrange reality

Reality is what we know
We can change a river’s flow
Plant a seed, watch it grow
Build a shelter, build a home
Home is where my heart will stay
Even when I’m far away
Makes no difference what they say
As long as you will be my sunshine

Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly

When I’m feeling sad and low
And I’m not sure where to go
And all the good times that I’ve known
Have gone and left me all alone
All alone I’ll never be
Long as you are here with me
You’re in everything I see
And everything I’m doing
All I do I do for you
You’re my sun, you’re my moon
Every lazy afternoon
You’re my inspiration
Inspiration lights the way
Brings a sparkle to each day
Makes the dark clouds go away
Let us let the children play

Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Music is the reason why
People laugh people cry
Sing and dance and clap their hands
It’s how the whole world understands
Understands that we are one
Makes no difference what you’ve done
Or where you live under the sun

We are only human
Only human yes it’s true
Still the mystery is you
And the sky so clear and blue
Makes every day feel so brand new
Brand new day throughout the world
For all the little boys and girls
If everybody lends a hand
We can live together!

Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly

The Saturday film and chat

2007-09-09T11:39:00.000+08:00

it was a fulfilling weekend spent at the Arts House where it was screening this controversial movie about two boys who reconnected through their sexual abuse as boys. The movie, mysterious skin, is cutting edge, painfully truthful and weaved very seamlessly through great narration of the two main cast with the good use of flash backs and present day. yet the good use of lighting and scene transition seen through the eyes of two young eight-year-olds was fab.

I guess it wasn't draggy and doesn't force the audience to take pity on the characters but rather feel what the characters go through. yet it left me and my friend, fern, feeling rather as traumatised and violated as the two young boys in the show.

this is the synopsis from the arts house website.

"A disturbing childhood mystery of two individually desperate teens—one believes he was abducted by aliens, the other works as a hustler—who become reconnected by the sexual abuse they shared as boys. The secret denials of the American middle class against the backdrop of a vintage red-state political world add to the shock and awe of this daring film. With work such as The Living End and The Doom Generation, Gregg Araki has never been one to shy away from controversy, and, in adapting Scott Heim's novel, he's made his most demanding, provocative and, indeed, his finest film to date."

http://www.theartshouse.com.sg/event_details_2007.php?id=614

of course this was followed up by great chat with another friend who met up with me for coffee. sometimes we do wonder about the weird tribulations of people around us and the wonderment of love affairs which just left us feeling dumbfounded.

sometimes i guess going with the flow and taking it easy is better than getting obsessive over whether a relationship works out or not.

i reckon this short one week break was what i needed in gaining real perspective on a lot of things i've been doing. reflection. ponder. wonder. realise. being convinced by my inner voice to do what i feel ought to be done :)

doubt and renewal of faith

2007-09-07T14:51:00.000+08:00

there are some moments in life you believe so strongly in something and yet that something eludes you even more? have you ever had those heart wrenching moments that feel like a lifetime...tormenting you every single and every minute?

that was how i felt since young. the depth of loneliness, alienation, being ostracised, having great deal of self-doubt, low self-esteem, feelings of rejection and being undermined.

somehow i managed to still do pretty decently in life despite the above.

i always believe that there is a certain super power up there who looks after us, despite the sufferings that we go through in life.

but of course, like any typical whiny human being, i would indulge in self pity and cynical doubt in everything else except myself.

then today...somehow..i sort of figured things out once again.

i was reading time magazine's coverage on mother theresa's once unpublicised letters, where she revealed a great deal of doubt on her faith and therefore despite it all...she still went ahead with her vision of helping the poorest of the poor.

of course naysayers might say she is not as almighty as the media or the church has put her to be.

but seriously speaking, who are we to comment on what she has done with such great insight and courage?

i guess i can understand how mother theresa must have felt in all those years of loneliness..the feelings of being abandoned by god.

and worse still...having people around you who view your insecurity and sense of abandonment as a silly sign of immaturiy of faith.

there were times i felt totally abandoned...and fed to the dogs by god. sometimes i do question myself and him and everyone else...if god really loves me...why does he put me through so much shit.

ya..everyone has his or her own shit to clear in life.

but i always felt.. it's wrong for us to judge other people's tribulations because...we are not in that situation and therefore not in the right position to judge.

all in all... doubt and faith may reinforce each other in the end.

emotion and logic

2007-09-06T01:49:00.000+08:00

one of my closest friends told me that i tend to deviate between the emotional or logical mode. Yeah i have those zealous logical moments...and then when i get down..i get superbly emo.

i guess that's how i confuse people sometimes. one moment i seem so rational and calm, the next i will panic and start becoming super grouchy,

but my good friend is the opposite, he possesses the ability to have both happening at the same time.

amazing stuff.

so here comes the dilemma.

what if i like someone..hypothetically i dislike the person's profile and yet "love" the person's company.

sigh.

Bora Bora Ibiza - RED AND YELLOW (MANUAL OF LOVE 2)

2007-09-05T23:57:00.001+08:00

nothing beats the tunes of ibiza :)

the movie and catch up

2007-09-04T23:55:00.000+08:00

yeah monday turned out not to be so blue afterall as grace and i headed to the movies to watch ratatouille.

turned out to be a really nice animation. basically no more pretentious trying to hard to please the audience type.

feel good movie with some feel-good factor about being comfortable in your own skin or ratty fur in this instance.

i love its theme anyone can cook.

such spin and satire on all those ridiculous cook shows where it goes somethings like "If X can cook, so can you" type of nonsense. heh.

but it also struck a chord in me that...sometimes in all our eagerness to excel too much, we don't cut enough slack for ourselves to feel inadequate and then we try too hard to bend towards other people's expectations.

Is the society's definition of perfection an indicator of our own self satisfaction? or does it just merely feed into people's insecurities only to leave us feeling even more unwanted ever before?

anyway on other notes,

i don't know but sometimes i do wonder if in the pursuit of achieving my goals am i turning to the person whom i detest?

under stress and a lack of sleep...well terrible combination, caught myself turning nastier than usual to people around me...which makes me wonder sometimes if what i am doing is really worth the while.

then again... perhaps i seriously need all these time out moments..in order to feel alive and human.

ok. there you go. a very blah input from me yet again.

but heck. anyone can blog :p

colour my eyes -Mark Norman presents Celine - tiesto mix

2007-09-04T23:43:00.001+08:00

good song...sweet sounds of tiesto.

best friends

2007-08-25T22:55:00.000+08:00

i've always wanted a best friend since i was a nobody kid/wall flower child who always got ignored or bullied. so in a strange fairy-tale twist, i'm getting many really good friends in adulthood...i guess maybe it's god's way of making it up to me...after depriving me of such fruitful friendships during the earlier part of my life.

so yupz..ha ha that's all i'm going to say la..

best friend at office, best friend at school, best friend at parties, best buddies in choir.

heh so go forth and make as many "best friends" as you can (ya technically..we're only allowed to make one best friend..but heck la..heh..what's wrong with having a lot of a good thing)

looking things from the brighter side

2007-08-25T00:27:00.000+08:00

this has been a rather traumatic week for me.

i feel so torned..emotionally, physically and mentally.

let me do a quick recap

monday was a day where i missed that someone..whom i know ......gives me a paradoxical relationship...makes me happy yet could make me very sad.

then tuesday was a weird day where everyone was trying to look for me in vain...then i received notice that my uncle who was dying from lung cancer... has finally passed on. somehow i felt happy la...that he has found the peace he wanted...and that he has found God, oddly through his neighbour..even though his siblings and their kids have already converted decades ago.

wednesday was madness...as i sorted out a lot of loose ends and had to attend a pretty long workshop...THEN meet an old friend who's off to washington.

thursday... was another mad day where i was trying to tighten more loose ends...worked non-stop and then went out for dinner.

finally friday............ where i had to go through lots of lessons........lost my cool and temper. tried to chill out end up losing my handphone YET AGAIN THIS YEAR.

but strangely this time round..i reacted mildly compared to the previous time.

i just told myself... at least i didn't lose my ipod or my wallet.

i didn't lose my friends or my immediate family.

i didn't lose my job or my health.

i didn't lose my humanity or intelligence

i didn't lose much actually.

somehow..when you are being pushed to the edge so many times... even though you get cut non-stop in every way...or even worse...cut and cut on the same spot...you learn to become stronger and more appreciative of what has to come.

i'm quite happy that at the very least...i've learnt to be positive despite everything that happened.

just glad to have friends who asked if i was ok...who didn't judge me when i was downcast.....illogical........emo-ing.......unreasonable..........demanding........exhausted.

they just simply listened and listened.

perhaps there is truly a reason why things happen the way they did.

perhaps it's god's will afterall.

perhaps one day i will finally find peace with god..the way my uncle did.

SOUL MATES IS THERE SUCH A THING?

2007-08-19T16:05:00.000+08:00

just a ridiculously dramatic weekend..that ends with a cooling misty rainy day.

how surreal is it...for you to revisit some of your assumptions about who is your soul mate and who ought to be.

perhaps the person who does not fit into your ideal profile list turns out to be the best person for you in the end.

it's odd isn't it... aren't we supposed to get along more with people who are so much more like us...and yet we yearn for those people who have traits which we can never hope to have.

well.... just an afternoon musing.

Spanish Hustle by The Fatback Band Mexican Vinyl Compilation

2007-08-16T00:11:00.001+08:00

gosh an outdated version of what i hear at the clubs but still nice :)

Kh - Let The Drums Speak - Fatboy Slim

2007-08-15T18:26:00.001+08:00

i prefer the phil asher's version...by Bah Samba heh. but this is the closest i can find.

the tune.... that really makes me dance ....and be merry...in a detached manner

DIVORCES, CANCER AND RELATIONSHIPS

2007-08-12T21:49:00.001+08:00

yupz. my pet topic. relationships and more relationships. but back to the agenda.
it was mighty a gloomy sunday morning as i headed down to the familiar white walls and antibiotics stench of the hospital ward at NUH today with my dad and sister. We went to see my uncle, who's suffering from lung cancer. The poor old man aged so much...and yes... this may sound like some anti-smoking advertisement but ya... smoking does kill. it's sad to see that he's just waiting to die as he holds the bible and rosary closely by his side. yet his humanly side shows when he craves for unhealthy drinks like coke, orange juice and so forth to quench his thirst. perhaps his thirst to live.

I felt alienated by this encounter, rather disconnected and detached. I was never close to him yet as my dad stood by him, there was this odd sense of silence as they had nothing to say.

i sometimes wonder if one day, the state of my relationship with my sisters would reach to that state. hopefully not. but then it got me thinking on a lot of things.

as much as my uncle was a misfit in the family, he had been a loving husband, and statistically, his marriage is successful given that he and his wife are still loving...when my dad's other siblings have divorced with their spouses.

come to think of it... relationships are the worst investments one can ever have, because it's based on luck, chance, fate and destiny.

1) you can love a person who doesn't deserve your love

2) you can also dislike a person who really loves you

3) it's hard to differentiate between passionate love and everlasting love.

whatever it is. when my uncle's wife asked me two pertinent questions, can i cook and do i have a boyfriend.

so...my purpose in life is to cook and be a maid to a guy? hmmm perhaps not.

in bohemian style, i just told her off the cuff that money is my boyfriend for now.

for at least money is tangible and useful.

ah well... just plain old cynical once again.

REBELLION IN MY TWENTIES

2007-08-11T21:03:00.000+08:00

it's mighty odd that i grew up as the dutiful daughter and student only to end up like an edgy adult.

could it be that i was made to grow up too quickly or is it resentful boiling over for way too long?

sometimes i do wonder if the process of self discovery was perhaps delayed and so now i'm doing the exploration and acting like a bloody spoilt teenager.

so which is better?

getting into trouble when you're too young and with parents at your backs and when you're too broke?

or getting into trouble when you're too old, with no parenst at your back and yet you can afford the expensive fun?

adult rebellion. i'm in for it :)

FRIENDS VERSUS LOVERS

2007-08-10T20:27:00.000+08:00

It really really sucks that some people whom you love really a lot can never be your lovers. Well, that's a conclusion i made with some friends the other day.

emotional attachment and companionship does not seem to be enough and add in the complication of a crazy century's working pace, broken down society and so forth.

perhaps that's why i'm better off being the gal pal of my male guyfriends, rather than being the muse...the girlfriend material.

so let's compare

When you're the gal pal, you get endless loyalty points and emotional support from your guyfriends, no emotional hang-ups or sexually tense situations. just plain old simple friendship. and even if crap happens in the love scene, you'll still be friends. you're also free to date around and meet new people. no jealousy, no outbursts, no terrible scenes.

however, when you're the girlfriend, there are just too much responsibility, expectations and obligations that make the formally steamy moments rather unsexy. suddenly you got to give up time spent with your friends.

sigh.

maybe i'm thinking too much.

or just maybe i've grown too cynical.

One More Time

2007-08-10T15:08:00.001+08:00

heh retro time. nice old roswell with a nice track from the real mccoy. enjoy. the romance between liz and max is spectacular.

JUST A DAY OF DEBATING AND DOCUMENTARY

2007-08-04T23:56:00.000+08:00

yeah finally the debates are over!

anyway... headed down with dear fern to watch a local film by Tan Pin Pin, it was a documentary called invisible city.

being the lazy girl that i was...i was really happy that fern asked me if i wanted to watch it too when she went to buy it heh.

the docu was fab. it talks loosely about the ownership of singapore's history and it was a refreshing look at it. beyond the silly text book definitions and labels, it looked at the viewpoints of one ethnographer, one professor, one archaeologist, one old guy reflecting on the old days of chinese students, one guy who used to fight against the japanese during world war 2.

then again...it's my interpretation. i guess tt's the beauty of such docus... it invites reaction and contemplation among its audience...rather than dictate the themes and values.

for more info... you can refer to this url

http://invisiblecity.sg/

waiting

2007-07-29T23:56:00.000+08:00

waiting for the right moment
waiting for the wrong moment to painfully zip past you
waiting for the best moment to tell your friend the worst news
waiting for the worst moment so that you can spite your friends.

wait, wait wait.

how many of us dread waiting? well i have my hands and legs raised up on this.

i hate waiting.

especially for an answer, for direction for some clue, for some inkling of suggestion.

i am waiting for a direction in my life.

not so much from the god from above but of course from myself.

sigh.

hope this waiting period will end soon.

13 Going on 30- back to the start.

2007-07-29T14:33:00.001+08:00

my current state of mind

got tagged

2007-07-28T23:39:00.000+08:00

got tagged by my dear friend sue.

so here goes.

Layer One: On the Outside
Name: justagirl/you should know :p
Current status: Single and unavailable
Eye Colour: dark brown
Hair Colour: black
Righty or Lefty: Right…

Layer Two: On the inside
Your Heritage: Chinese
Your Fears: smell of dead pet fish and basically bad scents.
Your Weakness: nice nua place....or nice place playing the band
Your Perfect Pizza: no favourites seafood maybe?

Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your thoughts first thing when you wake up: Turn on the snooze button and go back to sleep.
Your Bedtime: depends on whether or not i'm so tired i concuss...
Your most missed memory: the times in jc...the times with friends..the times gone by.

Layer Four: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald’s or Burger King: burger king
Single or Group Dates: Single…
Adidas or Nike: Nike
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Cappucino or Coffee: coffee...dun like the foam.

Layer Five: Do You…
Smoke: No.
Curse: ha ha rhetorical question.
Take a shower: hmmm :p
Have a crush: not at the moment.
Think you’ve in love: well being in love is just a state of the mind.
Go to school: ha ha yes.
Want to get married: nay.
Believe in yourself: sometimes
Think you’re a health freak: well..i'm starting to panick.

Layer Six: In the Past Month
Drank alcohol: Yes…
Gone to the mall: Yes…
Been on stage: yes
Eaten Sushi: ha ha yes!
Dyed your hair: i prefer highlights.

Layer Seven: Have you ever…
Played a Stripping Game: nopez
Changed who you were to fit in: i don't change..i merely switch to my company's mode.

Layer Eight: Age
You’re hoping to get married: hmmm actually doesn't matter...when everything is right.

Layer Nine: In a Girl/Guy
Best Eye Colour: dark brown
Best Hair Colour: chestnut brown
Short or long hair: Short

Layer Ten: What were you doing
1 Min ago: Doing this thing…
1 hour ago: talking to my friends on msn.
4.5 hours ago: on my way back in a cab
1 Month Ago: having meetings.
1 Year Ago: er cannot remember la :p

Layer Eleven: Finish the sentence
I Love: to dream, aspire, hope, wish, do, dare, argue, love, sing, dance, read.
I Feel: renewed
I Hate: hyprocrites, elitists, rude people.
I Hide: my vulnerable emotions.
I Need: space.

I tag:
1) Brabra
2) Evy
3) Niki
4) Lilian
5) Alice

invasion

2007-07-27T22:03:00.000+08:00

Your Heart is Feeling Safe

Right now, all is good with your heart. And you intend on keeping it that way.
Whether you're deeply in love or just looking, you know that your heart will be taken care of.
You never risk your heart too much, but you don't hold it back either. You know who to trust your heart with.

Deep down, your heart is susceptible to: Getting a little too comfortable

Your current outlook on love: Calm and future oriented

Your love life will improve if you: Treat other people's hearts the way you expect yours to be treated

Watch out for: Taking the people you're dating for granted

What Is Your Heart Feeling?

You Are Pretty Happy Being Single

You have a full, fun life. And you definitely don't need love to be content.
Of course, being single can get you down a little. Especially when you've been single for a while.
But you know how to be patient and wait for the right person. You're life is too good to settle for anything!

Are You Happy Being Single?

sigh

2007-07-27T21:53:00.000+08:00

sometimes i used to wonder what it takes to make everyone happy.

i realise i can't and i won't be able to.

but the least i can do is to make myself happy...yupz... time for some self-enrichment activities where i can find myself again.

it's been a really mad week so far.

riddle me nonsense

2007-07-23T23:29:00.000+08:00

You Are a Flashy Red Bra!

Outgoing, friendly, and fascinating.
You're a charmer, with your pick of the men.
But you want a man who's as magnetic as you are.
You need someone who can keep up with your all night gab fests!

What Kind of Bra Are You?

You Are 43% Scary

You're a pretty normal, nice girl... but you definitely have your scary moments.
As long as you acknowledge them and apologize, you'll probably keep your guy around.

Do You Scare Off Men?

hed kandi mix

2007-07-22T18:11:00.001+08:00

heh one of my favourite tracks.

13 Going on 30 - Why Can't I by Liz Phair

2007-07-22T17:17:00.001+08:00

By

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you, and we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

is, this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we are, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but > heads spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

I'd love for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
I'd love for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
for this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Fatigue

2007-07-22T01:16:00.001+08:00

yes.

i am feeling extremely exhausted.

to the point that i am really stretched very thin and really really tired.

somehow.. i have been getting the same message from different people

" you got to think for yourself"

i guess it doesn't help that since young i'm made to think for others....care for my family.. care for my friends... care for my students.

sometimes i wonder if this caring nature of mind is taking a toll on my own personality. or rather is it consuming me too much to the point that i no longer have goals for myself?

perhaps it's a tough balance..given that i do see myself as a caretaker of others. the emotional pillar. the one who is supposed to be sensible.

yet i guess i can never ran away from the very idea that i really need to take care of myself...if not no one would. and when that happens..it'll be scary.

yes...just some rambling from a grouchy tired woman who obviously needs more sleep to function.

sometimes

2007-07-19T22:46:00.001+08:00

i don't know why.

i just feel so meaningless and low. it's like no matter how hard i try..things just simply become worse...argh

bad time period

ok enuff ranting..back to the grind

more and more..

2007-07-16T00:42:00.000+08:00

You Are Fall!

Thoughtful
Expressive
Creative
Poetic
Smart

What Season Woman Are You?

Your Beauty Element is Water

Feminine and dreamy, your beauty style is classic and very vintage.
But you never look out of style! You have a way of making classic looks modern again.

What's Your Beauty Element?

You Are a Coy Flirt

You may not seem like you're flirting, but you know exactly what you're doing.
You draw people in, very calculatingly, without them even knowing.
Subtle and understated, you know how to best leverage your sex appeal.
A sexy enigma, you easily become an object of obsession.

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

No Pocket Jeans

You are confident and completely comfortable with your body.
You don't mind showing off - in fact, you put it all out there!

What Style of Womens Jeans Are You?

Your Expression Number is 11

You tend to be associated with idealistic concepts and spiritual issues.
You have high potentials that are somewhat difficult to live up to.
You have very strong intuition and you can be a bit psychic at times.

Highly inspirational, you can lead merely by your own example.
You have an inborn inner strength and awareness that helps you advise others.
Although you have what it takes for a successful career, you belong outside the business world.

Overly sensitive and temperamental, you tend to have a lot of nervous tension.
You dream a lot, so much so that you may be more of a dreamer than a doer.
Fantasy and reality tend to get intermingled for you, and that leads to impracticality.

What's Your Expression Number?